What is gaslighting and how can I handle it?

Definition and Nature of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person seeks to sow confusion, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of reality in another. The term comes from a mid-20th-century stage play and film entitled “Gas Light,” in which a husband gradually manipulates his wife to believe her memory and perception cannot be trusted. While the word “gaslighting” itself is modern, the concept of subtle deceit and manipulation is not new and appears in various historical, cultural, and interpersonal contexts.

In the realm of relationships, a gaslighter systematically denies a target’s experiences or memories in order to gain control. By undermining someone’s sense of reality, the gaslighter often gains power or evades accountability. This tactic can be found in personal relationships, workplaces, or any situation where a manipulator is seeking to reshape someone’s perceptions to serve a selfish purpose.

Gaslighting stands in direct opposition to integrity, honesty, and truthfulness—virtues that are upheld in Scripture. While not all manipulative behavior is labeled as gaslighting, the trademark element is the intent to distort another person’s perception until he or she doubts what is real or true.

Key Characteristics of Gaslighting

1. Distortion of Truth

The gaslighter may overtly or subtly twist factual events, leading the other person to question what actually happened. This can include repeated false statements and denial of previously acknowledged facts.

2. Undermining Confidence

The target often feels confused, anxious, or even guilty, wondering if they are “too sensitive,” “imagining things,” or “losing touch with reality.”

3. Shifting Blame

A hallmark of gaslighting involves making the target feel responsible for the manipulator’s actions or emotions. Words such as “You made me do this” or “It’s all in your head” often arise.

4. Isolation

The gaslighter may try to alienate the target from loved ones or supportive communities, creating circumstances that prevent the target from seeking outside perspective.

5. Gradual Escalation

Gaslighting often evolves over time. It may begin with seemingly small distortions or denials but can escalate to a pervasive pattern of manipulation.

Scriptural Reflections on Deception and Manipulation

Though the term “gaslighting” does not appear in the biblical text, Scripture addresses deceitful behavior. One passage states, “The LORD detests lying lips” (Proverbs 12:22). Gaslighting, at its core, involves falsehood and psychological coercion that Scripture consistently warns against.

In John 8:44, Jesus speaks of the devil as “a liar and the father of lies.” Any effort to distort reality to gain selfish advantage aligns with the same deceptive strategy. By contrast, believers are urged to “Let each of you speak truth” (Ephesians 4:25). Truthfulness fosters trust and healthy relationships, whereas gaslighting corrodes both.

Examples of Manipulative Tactics in Scripture

1. Edenic Deception (Genesis 3)

The serpent’s questioning, “Did God really say…?” revolves around attempting to confuse Eve about divine instruction. Although this scenario transcends a mere human-to-human dynamic, it reflects how sowing doubt can lead to destructive results.

2. False Prophets (Jeremiah 14:14)

The Lord condemns prophets who speak lies, fabricate revelations, or manipulate people’s trust for their own gain. Though the context is different, the essence of bending truth to control or mislead aligns with gaslighting’s tactics.

3. Ahab and Jezebel (1 Kings 21)

Jezebel orchestrates events and men to falsely accuse Naboth, showing how the cunning manipulation of reality can lead to grave injustice. While slightly different from personal gaslighting, the core dynamic of deceit and distortion to manipulate outcomes is still evident.

These examples remind us that Scripture recognizes how destructive falsehood can be—whether labeled as deception, manipulation, or the modern term “gaslighting.”

Consequences of Gaslighting

1. Emotional and Psychological Harm

By systematically eroding self-confidence, gaslighting can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation or helplessness.

2. Spiritual Strain

When one person forces another to question reality, it can disrupt the target’s ability to trust their own relationship with truth—and, by extension, with God’s directives for confronting sin and living in honesty.

3. Relational Breakdown

Over time, gaslighting can break relationships, families, or churches, as it fosters distrust and insecurity.

Practical Steps to Recognize and Address Gaslighting

1. Acknowledge the Reality of the Situation

Realizing that a gaslighting dynamic may be occurring is often the first step toward freedom. The internal doubt—“Maybe I’m just imagining things”—often prevents clarity. Seek objective input from trusted friends, counselors, or spiritual leaders. Proverbs 11:14 points out, “Victory is won through many advisers.” Gaining multiple perspectives can affirm that you are not alone and that your recollections are valid.

2. Seek Truth Above All

Scripture repeatedly emphasizes truth: “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist” (Ephesians 6:14). Immersing yourself in biblical teachings helps reinforce healthy self-awareness and discernment. Additionally, journaling can help you track events and conversations to counter memory distortions from a manipulator.

3. Set Boundaries

Gaslighting often thrives where there are no clear boundaries or consequences. If possible, reduce interactions with individuals who persistently deny reality in harmful ways. While complete removal from a situation might not be feasible, establishing personal boundaries—how much you will engage, what topics are off-limit—can protect emotional well-being.

4. Confront When Safe and Appropriate

Matthew 18:15 instructs, “If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately.” When confronting a gaslighter, remain calm, stick to demonstrable facts, and insist on truthfulness. This step can be challenging if the gaslighter denies everything or manipulates in response. If direct confrontation elevates risk, seek counsel from pastoral leaders or professional help.

5. Pursue Wise Counsel

Trained biblical counselors or Christian mental health professionals can guide you in untangling the emotional knots gaslighting weaves. Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days.” Godly counsel offers practical strategies and prayerful support to combat manipulation.

6. Pray for Discernment and Healing

James 1:5 notes, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously.” Prayer can provide clarity and strength. Trusted prayer partners can intercede for you, asking for protection from deceit and for wisdom to respond in a Christlike manner.

7. Remember Your Identity and Worth

A major goal of gaslighting is to erode confidence. Reflect on verses such as Psalm 139:14: “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Grounding yourself in this truth reminds you that your value is rooted in something far greater than another’s manipulative agenda.

Supportive Resources and Encouragement

• Professional Help: Therapists or counselors trained in addressing emotional abuse can provide essential tools to restore healthy thinking.

• Support Groups: Speaking with others who have experienced similar struggles can help alleviate isolation and clarify your experiences.

• Study Scripture in Context: Systematic Bible study fosters a deeper appreciation for truth, clarity, and sound judgment.

• Guard Your Heart: Proverbs 4:23 counsels, “Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow springs of life.” Protecting one’s heart and mind is crucial when confronted with persistent deception.

Conclusion

Gaslighting undermines truth, corrodes relationships, and chips away at one’s confidence. The biblical record, though ancient, reveals the same patterns of deception and highlights how detrimental they can be to spiritual and emotional well-being. When facing gaslighting, anchor yourself in the truth: maintain healthy boundaries, seek guidance from Scripture, enlist trusted support, and pray for discernment.

While the manipulator may strive to confuse and mislead, the unchanging truths of Scripture serve as a guiding beacon through turmoil. Such truths restore confidence and point toward sincere, truthful relationships that reflect genuine love. By recognizing the distortions, addressing them, and clinging to the light of truth, one can break free from the destructive grip of gaslighting and find renewed clarity, health, and peace.