What does "do not be harsh" mean in the context of marriage? Setting the Scene: Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” The Weight of a Two-fold Command - Love your wife: continual, sacrificial, active. - Do not be harsh: equally binding, equally clear. One without the other breaks the intent of both. Defining “Harsh” (Greek: pikrainō) - Literally “to make bitter,” “to irritate,” “to exasperate.” - Relationally, it pictures a spirit that nurses resentment, speaks with sharpness, or uses authority to wound. - The prohibition is not merely against violence but against any tone or action that sours a wife’s spirit. Love That Mirrors Christ - Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” • Christ’s love is self-emptying, not self-protecting. - 1 Peter 3:7 – “Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel… so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” • Spiritual life stalls when harshness prevails. - Colossians 3:12-14 – Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love are the “clothing” expected in every Christian relationship, especially marriage. Snapshots of Gentleness in Scripture - Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” - Proverbs 12:18 – “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” - James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” - Galatians 5:22-23 – “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Harshness is the opposite of the Spirit’s fruit. Practical Ways to Put Off Harshness and Put On Love - Speak with restraint. • Pause before correcting; choose words that build up (Ephesians 4:29). - Guard tone and volume. • Softness communicates strength under control. - Show physical gentleness. • Touch that comforts, not intimidates. - Practice empathetic listening. • Seek to understand feelings, not just facts. - Express appreciation daily. • Verbal gratitude crowds out a bitter spirit. - Forgive quickly. • “Let all bitterness… be removed from you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). - Lead spiritually, not dictatorially. • Servant leadership invites cooperation instead of fear. The Heart Behind the Command - Bitterness often springs from unmet expectations, selfish ambition, or unconfessed sin. - Christ’s forgiveness neutralizes bitterness (Colossians 3:13). - A husband saturated with the gospel cannot be simultaneously harsh, because the cross disarms pride and empowers humility. When Harshness Creeps In—Steps of Restoration 1. Confess it to God as sin (1 John 1:9). 2. Ask forgiveness of your wife without excuses. 3. Make restitution where words or actions have wounded. 4. Invite accountability from mature believers. 5. Renew your mind in Scriptures that model Christlike love. Living the Verse Colossians 3:19 is not a suggestion but a Spirit-enabled lifestyle: pursue a love that refuses bitterness, replaces harshness with tenderness, and reflects Christ to the one closest to you. |
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